If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
