Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
