my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
