official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
