First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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