it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
