we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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