I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
