I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
