I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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