IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
