Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
