so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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