your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
