Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
