So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
