I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
