We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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