My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
