i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I looked at my own cervix.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
