I met the friendliest cop last night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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