He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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