So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
