I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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