wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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