the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
