Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
