You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
