I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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