I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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