this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
