Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
