I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
