Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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