Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
