Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
