Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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