i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
