I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
