i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
