i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Boobs speak an international language.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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