Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
