I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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