Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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