There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
