When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
