He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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