sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
