So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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