We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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