I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
