Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
