im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
